I don’t sleep the night before a trip. I don’t let it be known to those around me, but it seems that an astounding amount of guilt, fear, and regret overcome me as I begin to tackle my last minute packing. I feel like an animal backed into a corner. After all the goodbye drinks, hugs, winks, and “you’ll have such an amazing time’s,” have come and gone, it’s just me. I am alone. Standing only with my thoughts and empty bags, nestled in mounds of clothes and crap still waiting to be sifted through, before I leave this town one more time. Is it the last time? For some reason, the fact that this moment, this moment before I am leaving the place I was born, the place I’ve resided in for another go, the friends I’ve known, and the family who has been there for all the joys, tears, cheers, and jeers, I decide to exercise stoicism. Call it a crutch, but although I think far too much, I don’t like to show it. This night is always best spent solo.
Thoughts crash, not similar to waves, but lightning. Erratic, electric, enough to illuminate the night. Is this going to the adventure when loved ones have had enough? What am I gonna do with these piles of stuff? Whose gonna be here when that road weary van finally brings me home? Cuz these last minute errands, cruising the streets on my bike, with summer setting in, are reminding me of all the things I love in this old town. Maybe the road won’t lead to the places I’m told it goes, and maybe I won’t have the strength in my feet. Carried on by tired, faltering toes. God Damn, the girls in this town are looking pretty. I can’t help but think this transience is getting silly, or maybe limiting me in a way i’m not seeing, greater than the levels I feel I’m being elevated too…
But as the last shirt hits the bottom of the Goodwill sack, and the pack is filled to equilibrium between capacity and what I can carry on my back, I grab the keys. This is the path life has showed me. While I will never surrender to any suitors trying to take over owning me, I can’t wait to acquiesce to what the future holds. Some call it bizarre, while others may see it as bold, but I realize that I’ve always relied on a belief of the good things the future holds The things reserved for those who aren’t afraid to pursue it.
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